Day 1: Write your story: Who are you? What brings you here? That is, write what makes you want to say, And so I write. – Prompt from Lift 500 Words Every Day
Creation has unlimited possibility before it’s started. Once you begin, the possibilities are fewer and fewer, until the work becomes only the work it can be.
A writing about myself can start from anywhere, and all the 10,000 variations will be true. This particular day, I choose to portrait myself at a chaotic intersection of thoughts, where I have stayed paralyzed for a while.
Let me describe what this intersection of thoughts look like. It’s a huge underground aquarium, surrounding you from 360 angles. You have no idea how you got in the donut hole of a perfect round aquarium. Schools of fish are swarming towards different directions in mind-blasting vibrant colors. You’ve always thought the underworld is monochrome. They’re shooting around in different speeds. Some flash by and they’re gone. Some just float around, and you thought you could use less of them. Some progress to the rhythm of the waves, back and forth, back and forth. It’s only until you’ve spent a lot of times looking, do you realize they’re still at the same place.
As a writer, this aquarium is my lifeline and my jail.
There are the treasures: my thoughts and feelings reflecting on the world.
There are the distractions: fleeting thoughts that make no center.
There are the tools: my words and logic that I manifest myself with.
There, is the ultimate escape: so much beauty, so many possibilities, I would plead for being drown.
It’s a mystery when you only know you can be there, but do not know how you were able to. So it’s this superpower ability that you cannot control. You don’t know if it is reliable, if there is hidden cost, if it’s good or evil, if it’s real or delusional. I just imagine, and I’m there. Fantasized by my ability and the colorful possibilities, I become paralyzed.
And I search for help.
A time where you can suddenly see yourself from a outside angle, not just seeing from your own eyes. A time of suddenly being aware there is actually space where you though there was null. A time when you start to believe you can trace how you got here, and become aware of the journey.
This aquarium has unbounded energy that I secretly believe to connect with the energy of the universe. I rely on it to tell me I’m alive, that I exist. Every day that I don’t write, I feel like my real self don’t exist. But so many times I want to write, I become paralyzed by giving into the colors, speed and directions. My consciousness go scattered. At the end of the day, my progress is gathering back the pieces, not realizing them in a piece of work.
Thoughts are so addicting.
Traveling within seems like work already, that I cannot always bring myself to put them into writing. It’s exhausting when it’s just addictive.
Many say I think to much. But what would you write if you don’t think? What would you write if you don’t have an aquarium of thoughts and feelings?
But I’m tired. I’d rather have manifested those 10,000 scattered pieces, than to gather my scattered self for 10,000 times.